Thursday, October 30, 2008
Problems at work? boss is giving you hard times?
hmm, where should i start?
was it the red wire or the blue one?
almost there... push, push
the car keys must be in here
Monday, October 27, 2008
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
- Under same management for over 5765 years.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
-Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
-Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University :
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
-My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
-An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."
.
-A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
.
-Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Why Israel is the world's happiest country
An Asia Times article, explaining why Israel is the "world's happiest country," cites statistics showing that Israel leads the world in the national gap between fertility and suicide rates.
The author, identified only as Spengler, compiled and compared the fertility rates and suicide rates of 35 industrial countries, and found that Israelis "appear to love life and hate death more than any other nation."
Spengler explained that he compared "the proportion of people who choose to create new life, against the proportion who choose to destroy their own. Israel stands alone, positioned in the upper-left-hand-quadrant, or life-loving, portion of the chart.
"Israel's fertility rate (births per woman) is 2.77, according to Spengler, while its suicide rate is 6.2 per 100,000 people. In the U.S., however, the numbers are only 2.1 and 11, respectively, and in France they are 1.98 and 18. The gaps in the numbers of many of the other countries are on the chart are even wider.
"It's easy for the Jews to talk about delighting in life," Spengler wrote in another Asia Times article, because "they are quite sure that they are eternal, while other peoples tremble at the prospect impending extinction. It is not their individual lives that the Jews find so pleasant, but rather the notion of a covenantal life that proceeds uninterrupted through the generations."
"Israel is surrounded by neighbors willing to kill themselves in order to destroy it," Spengler writes. He notes that Muslims teach, "As much as you love life, we love death" - a formula found in a Palestinian Authority textbook for second graders as well.
Oil-rich Saudi Arabia ranks 171st on an international quality of life index, Spengler writes, while "Israel is tied with Singapore on this index, although it should be observed that Israel ranks a runaway first on my life-preference index, whereas Singapore comes in dead last."
Spengler suggests traditional Jewish faith in G-d as the reason for Jewish joy. Muslim faith, however, is of the type that encourages a form of fatalism, he feels: "Arabs did not invent suicide attacks, but they have produced a population pool willing to die in order to inflict damage greater than any in history. One cannot help but conclude that Muslim clerics do not exaggerate when they express contempt for life."
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
'Jewish banks masterminded crisis'
[Yonit Moses] Published: 10.21.08, 20:26 / Israel Money
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3611260,00.html
The global financial crisis has brought with it a tidal wave of anti-Semitic sentiments, much of which has led to full-blown conspiracy theories postulating the crisis is part of a Jewish plot. While usual suspects Hamas and Iran have both put in their expected two pennies - with Hamas blaming the Jewish lobby in Washington and Tehran opting for a more far-reaching Zionist plot to control the entire world's economy.
That Israel's economy seems to have emerged relatively unscathed from the crisis has leant much ammunition to enemies of the Jewish state. As does the fact that many of the world's financial leaders are of Jewish descent. Figures such as US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, his predecessor Alan Greenspan, World Bank President Robert Zoellik, UK Business Secretary Peter Mandelson and the 2008 recipient of the Nobel Prize for economics, Paul Krugman, have all come under attack due to their heritage
However the traditional extremists are not alone in their peddling of anti-Semitic diatribes. Content historically associated with the most virulent of racists has, it would seem, gone mainstream online.
The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) reported early in October that discussion boards and blogs dealing with the meltdown on Wall Street are being flooded with hate speech.
In hundreds of messages echoing rhetoric found on neo-Nazi and white supremacist websites, posters to mainstream forums promote centuries-old stereotypes and conspiracy theories alleging Jewish control of the economy, banking and the government.
Read the entire article at:
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3611260,00.html
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Holiday of Succot
By law, all stores and places of business in Israel are closed on Succot. It is thus appropriate to give a holiday gift of flowers the day before.
According to the Bible, the Feast of Booths (Succot) was a thanksgiving festival. From ancient times, this was one of the most impotant feasts of the Israelites (Leveticus 23:39, Judges 21:19).
A Succa (also called a booth or tabernacle), is usually constructed of a wood or pipe framework, with cut branches and leaves serving as a roof. Building, eating and sleeping in a Succa is in many ways the closest to Nature that city folks can get.
The Succa has traditionally always been richly decorated. A variety of fruits hang from its roof of foliage, and often there are pictures and tapestries on the wall.
In today's Israel, the sound of hammers and construction ring out from every neighborhood after the end of Yom Kippur, soon after darkness falls. For the next four days, children happily build the family Succa on the grass in the backyard. Those who do not have a backyard, build the Succa on an open balcony or on the roof. Yes, the neighborhood tree house usually gets renovated at this time of year.
Most municipalities choose this time to trim the city's trees, cutting dangerous branches like those that have grown close to power lines. The foliage is often piled on the sidewalks, but is not collected. People use this foliage as roofing for their Succot. Only at the end of the 7-day holiday in Israel the municipalities collect the (by then) dried out foliage.
This ecologically friendly arrangement discourages people from cutting down live branches and damaging living trees. Only braches which would have had to be pruned anyway, are cut.
During the week of Succa there is no school and children often turn their Succa into a type of 'clubhouse' where they spend a good part of the day with their friends, especially in the evening. A lone light bulb hanging from the ceiling and connected to an extension cord is the source of light. A portable CD Player/radio is standard equipment.
In Israel at this time of year, the weather is still summer-like and warm. It has not rained for over half a year, for it is near the end of the dry season. With amazing regularity, the first short drizzle of the winter rainy season almost always occurs either shortly before or during the week of Succot. The weather is wonderful: not oppressively hot during the day and very pleasant in the evenings.
Flowers play an important part of the well-wishing associated with the holiday. Relatives send flowers to each other on the day before the holiday and people often buy a bouquet of flowers to brighten up their living rooms
Sunday, October 19, 2008
If the Passover Story Were Reported by CNN it Might Go Like This
...The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."
Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower G-d. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.
Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues."
The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. "If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them," Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The 100 Most Influential Jews of All Time
From the introduction:
This book ranks the 100 most influential Jews of all time. In their areas of human endeavor each of them worked a special influence on mankind. They changed the way we live and think. Even the few who touched only the souls and minds of Jews are important to us because of their defining presence on Jewish identity.
Some of the Jewish 100 modified their Judaism into something new. Saul of Tarsus became Paul, disciple of a man he claimed was the Jewish Messiah. Spinoza applied a logic that carried him straight out of Judaism. Karl Marx imposed an almost biblical sense of history to prove the imperative of his political ideal. Whether their modifications improved life will always generate discussion and argument.
Rank | Name | Lived | Description |
1 | Moses | 13th Cen. C.E. | |
2 | Jesus of Nazareth | ca. 4 B.C.E. - ca. 30 C.E. | |
3 | Albert Einstein | 1879-1955 | physicist |
4 | Sigmund Freud | 1856-1936 | psychiatrist |
5 | Abraham | ca. 20th-19th cen B.C.E.; according to the Bible, 1813-1638 B.C.E. | |
6 | Saul of Tarsus (Saint Paul) | 4 - 64 C.E. | |
7 | Karl Marx | 1818-1883 | philosopher |
8 | Theodor Herzl | 1860-1904 | writer |
9 | Mary | b. ca. 20 B.C.E. | |
10 | Baruch de Spinoza | 1632-1677 | philosopher |
11 | David | fl. 1000 B.C.E. | |
12 | Anne Frank | 1929-1945 | diarist |
13 | The Prophets | Biblical times | |
14 | Judas Iscariot | ca. 4 B.C.E. - ca. 30 C.E. | |
15 | Gustav Mahler | 1860-1911 | composer |
16 | Maimonides | 1135-1204 | theologian |
17 | Niels Bohr | 1885-1962 | physicist |
18 | Moses Mendelssohn | 1729-1786 | philosopher |
19 | Paul Ehrlich | 1854-1915 | medical scientist |
20 | Rashi | 1040-1105 | rabbinical commentator |
21 | Benjamin Disraeli | 1804-1881 | politician |
22 | Franz Kafka | 1883-1924 | author |
23 | David Ben-Gurion | 1886-1973 | founder of Israel |
24 | Hillel | ca. 70 B.C.E. - 10 C.E. | theologian |
25 | John Von Neumann | 1903-1957 | mathematician |
26 | Simon Bar Kokhba | fl. 135 C.E. | general, leader |
27 | Marcel Proust | 1871-1922 | novelist |
28 | Mayer Rothschild | 1744-1812 | financier |
29 | Solomon | ca. 990 - ca. 933 B.C.E. | |
30 | Heinrich Heine | 1797-1856 | poet |
31 | Selman Waksman | 1888-1973 | developed antibiotics |
32 | Giacomo Meyerbeer | 1791-1864 | created grand opera |
33 | Isaac Luria | 1534-1572 | kabbalist |
34 | Gregory Pincus | 1903-1967 | developed birth control pill |
35 | Leon Trotsky | 1879-1940 | facilitator of the Russian Revolution |
36 | David Ricardo | 1772-1823 | founded classical school of economics |
37 | Alfred Dreyfus | 1859-1935 | center of 1895 Dreyfus affair in Paris |
38 | Leo Szilard | 1898-1964 | physicist; cyberneticist |
39 | Mark Rothko | 1903-1970 | painter |
40 | Ferdinand Cohn | 1828-1898 | bacteriologist |
41 | Samuel Gompers | 1850-1924 | labor leader |
42 | Gertrude Stein | 1874-1946 | author |
43 | Albert Michelson | 1852-1931 | physicist |
44 | Philo Judaeus | ca. 20 B.C.E. - 40 C.E. | philosopher |
45 | Golda Meir | 1898-1978 | prime minister of Israel |
46 | The Vilna Gaon | 1720-1797 | rabbinical scholar |
47 | Henri Bergson | 1859-1941 | philosopher |
48 | The Baal Shem Tov | 1700-1790 | religious reformer |
49 | Felix Mendelssohn | 1809-1847 | musician |
50 | Louis B. Mayer | 1885-1957 | motion picture pioneer |
51 | Judah Halevy | ca. 1075-1141 | philosopher and poet |
52 | Haym Salomon | 1740-1785 | Revolutionary War patriot |
53 | Johanan ben Zakkai | ca. 80 C.E. | general, leader |
54 | Arnold Schoenberg | 1874-1951 | composer |
55 | Emile Durkheim | 1858-1917 | sociologist |
56 | Betty Friedan | 1921- | feminist; founder of NOW |
57 | David Sarnoff | 1891-1971 | broadcaster |
58 | Lorenzo Da Ponte | 1749-1838 | Mozart's librettist |
59 | Julius Rosenwald | 1862-1932 | philanthropist |
60 | Casimir Funk * | 1884-1967 | discoverer of vitamins |
61 | George Gershwin | 1898-1937 | composer |
62 | Chaim Weizmann | 1874-1952 | first president of Israel |
63 | Franz Boas | 1858-1942 | anthropologist |
64 | Sabbatai Zevi | 1626-1676 | religious leader |
65 | Leonard Bernstein | 1918-1990 | musician |
66 | Flavius Josephus | ca. 38-ca. 100 C.E. | historian |
67 | Walter Benjamin | 1892-1940 | literary critic, journalist, philosopher |
68 | Louis Brandeis | 1856-1941 | jurist |
69 | Emile Berliner | 1851-1929 | inventor |
70 | Sarah Bernhardt | 1844-1923 | actress |
71 | Levi Strauss | 1829-1902 | clothier |
72 | Nahmanides | 1195-1270 | scholar |
73 | Menachem Begin | 1913-1992 | politician |
74 | Anna Freud | 1895-1982 | psychologist |
75 | Queen Esther | 5th cen. B.C.E. | Biblical queen |
76 | Martin Buber | 1878-1965 | philosopher, theologian, social activist |
77 | Jonas Salk | 1914- | physician |
78 | Jerome Robbins | 1918- | choreographer |
79 | Henry Kissinger | 1923- | politician |
80 | Wilhelm Steinitz | ca. 1835-1900 | chess champion |
81 | Arthur Miller | 1915- | playwright |
82 | Daniel Mendoza | 1764-1836 | boxer |
83 | Stephen Sondheim | 1930- | writer of musicals |
84 | Emma Goldman | 1869-1940 | anarchist, feminist |
85 | Sir Moses Montefiore | 1787-1885 | leader |
86 | Jerome Kern | 1885-1945 | writer of musicals |
87 | Boris Pasternak | 1890-1960 | novelist, poet |
88 | Harry Houdini | 1874-1926 | magician |
89 | Edward Bernays | 1981- | founder of public relations |
90 | Leopold Auer | 1845-1930 | violinist |
91 | Groucho Marx | 1890-1977 | comedian |
92 | Man Ray | 1890-1976 | artist |
93 | Henrietta Szold | 1860-1945 | founder of Hadassah |
94 | Benny Goodman | 1909-1986 | clarinetist and bandleader |
95 | Steven Spielberg | 1947- | filmmaker |
96 | Marc Chagall | 1887-1985 | painter |
97 | Bob Dylan | 1941- | musician |
98 | Sandy Koufax | 1935- | baseball player |
99 | Bernard Berenson | 1865-1959 | art critic |
100 | Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster | b. 1914; 1914-1992 | comics book artist/writer, creators of Superman |
Now, look at this beautiful picture i came across, you must enlarge to find all figures. how many do you recognize? perhaps we should comment the ones we find.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I love my mother in law
How do you say Sokolow in English?
if you're asking who are those people, you should be clicking below
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nahum_Sokolow
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreyfus_affair
Nothing's free
and what do you say about this lucky driver? I guess it was his lucky day...
see where his car is positioned and the broken road barrier
now look a bit further.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Just a few jokes for the holidays
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....'I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice from the front of the audience yells out... 'Nu - so stop clapping.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays...."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven and says:
"Don't bother, God, I've just found one...."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me !" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one ? "
The fortune-teller answers...." Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one. "
Monday, October 13, 2008
The four species market (Succoth) - Rosh HaAyin
it became a little family tradition to take the girls and to bargain over lulav or hadass (myrtle).
even little kids have their table with the merchandise...
the lulav must be ramrod straight, with whole leaves that lay closely together, and not be bent or broken at the top.
the palm branch table with special delivery from egypt.
the most perfect hadass is one whose leaves grow evenly in each set of three. Each leaf is about the size of a thumbnail.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Things you don't learn in Hebrew school
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
5. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
6. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Neiman-Marcus
7. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
8. Never take a front row seat at a Brit.
9. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
10. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
11. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
12. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
15. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended..
16. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
17. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But, if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
18. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Lebanon: Israel stole our falafel
Country's Industrialists Association says Jewish state trying to claim ownership of traditional Lebanese delicacies like tabouleh and hummus, plans international food-related suit
[Roee Nahmias]
Lebanon is planning on filing an international law suit against Israel for violating a food copyright, Fadi Abboud, president of the Lebanese Industrialists Association, told the al-Arabiya network.
The Lebanese claim is that Israel markets original Lebanese food like tabouleh, kubbeh, hummus, falafel and fattoush which the Lebanese considered their trademarks prior to the establishment of the Jewish state.
Abboud explained that the fact that Israel has been marketing Lebanese delicacies under the same names and ingredients around the world has caused great losses to Lebanon, and that while, “the full extent is unknown, it is estimated at tens of millions of dollars annually.”
For the rest of the article, browse to:http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3605773,00.html
or have a look at this Israeli "Tom Cruise" performance of falafel cocktail...
My first post
Welcome to my NEWS FOR THE JEWS blog.
This blog is about updates, funny items, good news for the Jews’ Jewish jokes and amazing accomplishments of the Jewish people.
In short, just the type of items you probably will never hear about on the TV evening news, on the radio, or on the front page of your daily newspaper.
Readers are invited to contribute their own news items.
You don’t have to be Jewish to enjoy the News of The Jews!