Thursday, October 30, 2008

Problems at work? boss is giving you hard times?

for all of you people that have rough days, hate their job or just complain all the time... look at those jobs and think again!

hmm, where should i start?














was it the red wire or the blue one?


















almost there... push, push













the car keys must be in here














don't worry Mr. ed i'm a professional

Monday, October 27, 2008

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

- What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

- Under same management for over 5765 years.

- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

-Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

-Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University :
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

-My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

-An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."
.
-A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
.
-Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Why Israel is the world's happiest country

An Asia Times article, explaining why Israel is the "world's happiest country," cites statistics showing that Israel leads the world in the national gap between fertility and suicide rates.

The author, identified only as Spengler, compiled and compared the fertility rates and suicide rates of 35 industrial countries, and found that Israelis "appear to love life and hate death more than any other nation."


Spengler explained that he compared "the proportion of people who choose to create new life, against the proportion who choose to destroy their own. Israel stands alone, positioned in the upper-left-hand-quadrant, or life-loving, portion of the chart.

"Israel's fertility rate (births per woman) is 2.77, according to Spengler, while its suicide rate is 6.2 per 100,000 people. In the U.S., however, the numbers are only 2.1 and 11, respectively, and in France they are 1.98 and 18. The gaps in the numbers of many of the other countries are on the chart are even wider.


"It's easy for the Jews to talk about delighting in life," Spengler wrote in another Asia Times article, because "they are quite sure that they are eternal, while other peoples tremble at the prospect impending extinction. It is not their individual lives that the Jews find so pleasant, but rather the notion of a covenantal life that proceeds uninterrupted through the generations."


"Israel is surrounded by neighbors willing to kill themselves in order to destroy it," Spengler writes. He notes that Muslims teach, "As much as you love life, we love death" - a formula found in a Palestinian Authority textbook for second graders as well.

Oil-rich Saudi Arabia ranks 171st on an international quality of life index, Spengler writes, while "Israel is tied with Singapore on this index, although it should be observed that Israel ranks a runaway first on my life-preference index, whereas Singapore comes in dead last."


Spengler suggests traditional Jewish faith in G-d as the reason for Jewish joy. Muslim faith, however, is of the type that encourages a form of fatalism, he feels: "Arabs did not invent suicide attacks, but they have produced a population pool willing to die in order to inflict damage greater than any in history. One cannot help but conclude that Muslim clerics do not exaggerate when they express contempt for life."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

'Jewish banks masterminded crisis'

As world financial crisis continues to show little improvement, websites continue to be flooded with anti-Semitic conspiracy theories accusing financial leaders of Jewish heritage of orchestrating global economy to tune of all-encompassing Zionist plot
[Yonit Moses] Published: 10.21.08, 20:26 / Israel Money
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3611260,00.html

The global financial crisis has brought with it a tidal wave of anti-Semitic sentiments, much of which has led to full-blown conspiracy theories postulating the crisis is part of a Jewish plot. While usual suspects Hamas and Iran have both put in their expected two pennies - with Hamas blaming the Jewish lobby in Washington and Tehran opting for a more far-reaching Zionist plot to control the entire world's economy.

That Israel's economy seems to have emerged relatively unscathed from the crisis has leant much ammunition to enemies of the Jewish state. As does the fact that many of the world's financial leaders are of Jewish descent. Figures such as US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, his predecessor Alan Greenspan, World Bank President Robert Zoellik, UK Business Secretary Peter Mandelson and the 2008 recipient of the Nobel Prize for economics, Paul Krugman, have all come under attack due to their heritage
However the traditional extremists are not alone in their peddling of anti-Semitic diatribes. Content historically associated with the most virulent of racists has, it would seem, gone mainstream online.

The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) reported early in October that discussion boards and blogs dealing with the meltdown on Wall Street are being flooded with hate speech.

In hundreds of messages echoing rhetoric found on neo-Nazi and white supremacist websites, posters to mainstream forums promote centuries-old stereotypes and conspiracy theories alleging Jewish control of the economy, banking and the government.

Read the entire article at:
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3611260,00.html

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Holiday of Succot

The holiday of Succot (also spelled Succoth or Sukkot in English) falls on the 15th day of Tishri (usually in late September or early October), and commemorates the temporary dwellings the Children of Israel built in the wilderness after the Exodus.

By law, all stores and places of business in Israel are closed on Succot. It is thus appropriate to give a holiday gift of flowers the day before.

According to the Bible, the Feast of Booths (Succot) was a thanksgiving festival. From ancient times, this was one of the most impotant feasts of the Israelites (Leveticus 23:39, Judges 21:19).
A Succa (also called a booth or tabernacle), is usually constructed of a wood or pipe framework, with cut branches and leaves serving as a roof. Building, eating and sleeping in a Succa is in many ways the closest to Nature that city folks can get.

The Succa has traditionally always been richly decorated. A variety of fruits hang from its roof of foliage, and often there are pictures and tapestries on the wall.

In today's Israel, the sound of hammers and construction ring out from every neighborhood after the end of Yom Kippur, soon after darkness falls. For the next four days, children happily build the family Succa on the grass in the backyard. Those who do not have a backyard, build the Succa on an open balcony or on the roof. Yes, the neighborhood tree house usually gets renovated at this time of year.

Most municipalities choose this time to trim the city's trees, cutting dangerous branches like those that have grown close to power lines. The foliage is often piled on the sidewalks, but is not collected. People use this foliage as roofing for their Succot. Only at the end of the 7-day holiday in Israel the municipalities collect the (by then) dried out foliage.

This ecologically friendly arrangement discourages people from cutting down live branches and damaging living trees. Only braches which would have had to be pruned anyway, are cut.

During the week of Succa there is no school and children often turn their Succa into a type of 'clubhouse' where they spend a good part of the day with their friends, especially in the evening. A lone light bulb hanging from the ceiling and connected to an extension cord is the source of light. A portable CD Player/radio is standard equipment.

In Israel at this time of year, the weather is still summer-like and warm. It has not rained for over half a year, for it is near the end of the dry season. With amazing regularity, the first short drizzle of the winter rainy season almost always occurs either shortly before or during the week of Succot. The weather is wonderful: not oppressively hot during the day and very pleasant in the evenings.

Flowers play an important part of the well-wishing associated with the holiday. Relatives send flowers to each other on the day before the holiday and people often buy a bouquet of flowers to brighten up their living rooms

Sunday, October 19, 2008

If the Passover Story Were Reported by CNN it Might Go Like This

although, pasch is still six months away, i think it is quite funny.

...The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."

While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."

Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower G-d. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.

The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues."

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. "If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them," Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The 100 Most Influential Jews of All Time

The list below is from the book The Jewish 100: A Ranking of the Most Influential Jews of all Time (Citadel Press Book, 1994), written by Michael Shapiro. Shapiro is a noted composer who lives in New York. The book features excellent essays about each individual listed, noting accomplishments and discussion each person's influence. Additionally, biographical information about all of these individuals is widely available on line and in libraries.

From the introduction:
This book ranks the 100 most influential Jews of all time. In their areas of human endeavor each of them worked a special influence on mankind. They changed the way we live and think. Even the few who touched only the souls and minds of Jews are important to us because of their defining presence on Jewish identity.
Some of the Jewish 100 modified their Judaism into something new. Saul of Tarsus became Paul, disciple of a man he claimed was the Jewish Messiah. Spinoza applied a logic that carried him straight out of Judaism. Karl Marx imposed an almost biblical sense of history to prove the imperative of his political ideal. Whether their modifications improved life will always generate discussion and argument.









































































































































































































































































































































































































RankNameLivedDescription
1Moses13th Cen. C.E. 
2 Jesus of Nazareth ca. 4 B.C.E. - ca. 30 C.E.  
3 Albert
Einstein
1879-1955 physicist
4 Sigmund
Freud
1856-1936 psychiatrist
5 Abraham ca. 20th-19th cen B.C.E.; 

according to the Bible, 
1813-1638 B.C.E.
 
6 Saul of Tarsus (Saint Paul) 4 - 64 C.E.  
7 Karl
Marx
1818-1883 philosopher
8 Theodor Herzl 1860-1904 writer
9 Mary b. ca. 20 B.C.E.  
10 Baruch de Spinoza 1632-1677 philosopher
11 David fl. 1000 B.C.E.  
12 Anne Frank 1929-1945 diarist
13 The Prophets Biblical times  
14 Judas Iscariot ca. 4 B.C.E. - ca. 30 C.E.  
15 Gustav Mahler 1860-1911 composer
16 Maimonides 1135-1204 theologian
17 Niels Bohr 1885-1962 physicist
18 Moses Mendelssohn 1729-1786 philosopher
19 Paul Ehrlich 1854-1915 medical scientist
20 Rashi 1040-1105 rabbinical commentator
21 Benjamin Disraeli 1804-1881 politician
22 Franz Kafka 1883-1924 author
23 David Ben-Gurion 1886-1973 founder of Israel
24 Hillel ca. 70 B.C.E. - 10 C.E. theologian
25 John Von Neumann 1903-1957 mathematician
26 Simon Bar Kokhba fl. 135 C.E. general, leader
27 Marcel
Proust
1871-1922 novelist
28 Mayer Rothschild 1744-1812 financier
29 Solomon ca. 990 - ca. 933 B.C.E.  
30 Heinrich Heine 1797-1856 poet
31 Selman Waksman 1888-1973 developed antibiotics
32 Giacomo Meyerbeer 1791-1864 created grand opera
33 Isaac Luria 1534-1572 kabbalist
34 Gregory
Pincus
1903-1967 developed birth control pill
35 Leon Trotsky 1879-1940 facilitator of the Russian
Revolution
36 David Ricardo 1772-1823 founded classical school of
economics
37 Alfred Dreyfus 1859-1935 center of 1895 Dreyfus affair
in Paris
38 Leo Szilard 1898-1964 physicist; cyberneticist
39 Mark Rothko 1903-1970 painter
40 Ferdinand Cohn 1828-1898 bacteriologist
41 Samuel Gompers 1850-1924 labor leader
42 Gertrude Stein 1874-1946 author
43 Albert Michelson 1852-1931 physicist
44 Philo Judaeus ca. 20 B.C.E. - 40 C.E. philosopher
45 Golda Meir 1898-1978 prime minister of Israel
46 The Vilna Gaon 1720-1797 rabbinical scholar
47 Henri Bergson 1859-1941 philosopher
48 The Baal Shem Tov 1700-1790 religious reformer
49 Felix Mendelssohn 1809-1847 musician
50 Louis
B. Mayer
1885-1957 motion picture pioneer
51 Judah Halevy ca. 1075-1141 philosopher and poet
52 Haym Salomon 1740-1785 Revolutionary War patriot
53 Johanan ben Zakkai ca. 80 C.E. general, leader
54 Arnold Schoenberg 1874-1951 composer
55 Emile Durkheim 1858-1917 sociologist
56 Betty Friedan 1921- feminist; founder of NOW
57 David
Sarnoff
1891-1971 broadcaster
58 Lorenzo Da Ponte 1749-1838 Mozart's librettist
59 Julius Rosenwald 1862-1932 philanthropist
60 Casimir Funk * 1884-1967 discoverer of vitamins
61 George Gershwin 1898-1937 composer
62 Chaim Weizmann 1874-1952 first president of Israel
63 Franz Boas 1858-1942 anthropologist
64 Sabbatai Zevi 1626-1676 religious leader
65 Leonard Bernstein 1918-1990 musician
66 Flavius Josephus ca. 38-ca. 100 C.E. historian
67 Walter Benjamin 1892-1940 literary critic, journalist,
philosopher
68 Louis Brandeis 1856-1941 jurist
69 Emile Berliner 1851-1929 inventor
70 Sarah Bernhardt 1844-1923 actress
71 Levi Strauss 1829-1902 clothier
72 Nahmanides 1195-1270 scholar
73 Menachem Begin 1913-1992 politician
74 Anna Freud 1895-1982 psychologist
75 Queen Esther 5th cen. B.C.E. Biblical queen
76 Martin Buber 1878-1965 philosopher, theologian, social
activist
77 Jonas Salk 1914- physician
78 Jerome Robbins 1918- choreographer
79 Henry Kissinger 1923- politician
80 Wilhelm Steinitz ca. 1835-1900 chess champion
81 Arthur Miller 1915- playwright
82 Daniel Mendoza 1764-1836 boxer
83 Stephen Sondheim 1930- writer of musicals
84 Emma Goldman 1869-1940 anarchist, feminist
85 Sir Moses Montefiore 1787-1885 leader
86 Jerome Kern 1885-1945 writer of musicals
87 Boris Pasternak 1890-1960 novelist, poet
88 Harry Houdini 1874-1926 magician
89 Edward Bernays 1981- founder of public relations
90 Leopold Auer 1845-1930 violinist
91 Groucho Marx 1890-1977 comedian
92 Man Ray 1890-1976 artist
93 Henrietta Szold 1860-1945 founder of Hadassah
94 Benny Goodman 1909-1986 clarinetist and bandleader
95 Steven
Spielberg
1947- filmmaker
96 Marc Chagall 1887-1985 painter
97 Bob
Dylan
1941- musician
98 Sandy Koufax 1935- baseball player
99 Bernard Berenson 1865-1959 art critic
100 Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster b. 1914; 1914-1992 comics book artist/writer,
creators of Superman





Now, look at this beautiful picture i came across, you must enlarge to find all figures. how many do you recognize? perhaps we should comment the ones we find.



Thursday, October 16, 2008

I love my mother in law

i love my mother in law, i really do... but for those of you who don't, i gathered some funny/cruel mother-in-law jokes.

















How do you say Sokolow in English?

The picture below shows a street sign of Sokolow Street. As you can see Drayfus is definitely not Sokolow, and even not 100% Dreyfus…

if you're asking who are those people, you should be clicking below
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nahum_Sokolow
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreyfus_affair



Nothing's free

well, in Romania as shown in the receipt below, nothing costs 50$



and what do you say about this lucky driver? I guess it was his lucky day...
see where his car is positioned and the broken road barrier










now look a bit further.



Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just a few jokes for the holidays

At a concert in Israel, Bono (the lead singer from U2) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....'I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice from the front of the audience yells out... 'Nu - so stop clapping.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays...."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

He turns his face up to heaven and says:
"Don't bother, God, I've just found one...."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me !" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one ? "
The fortune-teller answers...." Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one. "

Monday, October 13, 2008

The four species market (Succoth) - Rosh HaAyin

just before the Succoth, i went over to the four species market in Rosh HaAyin.
it became a little family tradition to take the girls and to bargain over lulav or hadass (myrtle).













even little kids have their table with the merchandise...














the lulav must be ramrod straight, with whole leaves that lay closely together, and not be bent or broken at the top.













the palm branch table with special delivery from egypt.













the most perfect hadass is one whose leaves grow evenly in each set of three. Each leaf is about the size of a thumbnail.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Things you don't learn in Hebrew school

just of few things i came across which i guess you will never learn in Hebrew school...

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
5. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
6. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Neiman-Marcus
7. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
8. Never take a front row seat at a Brit.
9. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
10. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
11. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
12. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
15. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended..
16. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
17. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But, if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
18. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

Lebanon: Israel stole our falafel



Country's Industrialists Association says Jewish state trying to claim ownership of traditional Lebanese delicacies like tabouleh and hummus, plans international food-related suit
[Roee Nahmias]


Lebanon is planning on filing an international law suit against Israel for violating a food copyright, Fadi Abboud, president of the Lebanese Industrialists Association, told the al-Arabiya network.

The Lebanese claim is that Israel markets original Lebanese food like tabouleh, kubbeh, hummus, falafel and fattoush which the Lebanese considered their trademarks prior to the establishment of the Jewish state.

Abboud explained that the fact that Israel has been marketing Lebanese delicacies under the same names and ingredients around the world has caused great losses to Lebanon, and that while, “the full extent is unknown, it is estimated at tens of millions of dollars annually.”

For the rest of the article, browse to:
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3605773,00.html

or have a look at this Israeli "Tom Cruise" performance of falafel cocktail...




My first post

Welcome to my NEWS FOR THE JEWS blog.
This blog is about updates, funny items, good news for the Jews’ Jewish jokes and amazing accomplishments of the Jewish people.

In short, just the type of items you probably will never hear about on the TV evening news, on the radio, or on the front page of your daily newspaper.

Readers are invited to contribute their own news items.

You don’t have to be Jewish to enjoy the News of The Jews!